Put Your Heart into Everything

I tried out for the comedy improv teams here at my university. It was a bit of a last ditch effort to make my experience here better, because it was awful. I auditioned and got a call back. At this point I figured that there was no way I would make a team, I’m trash compared to the other people here. I knew it was a good experience and really fun to watch, so I figured it wasn’t a total loss for me. I was just happy I stepped out of my comfort zone and did it. I then was told I had an interview with one of the team’s directors. They said interviews were a chance to just gage how you are and determine if you’d be a good fit for the team. I was interviewed. I was in love. Up until that moment I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to get attached to the idea that I was going to be on a team. It’s common for me to “count my chickens before they hatch” and with my mindset at the time, I could not afford that loss. But on my way home from the interview I felt so good, and I knew my heart was in it. I knew I really wanted to be on a comedy improv team, and I knew what a huge risk it was to invest my thoughts into it. I told myself “this is worth the heartbreak,” and it was. About an hour later while I was sitting in my dorm by myself I got two emails. One from an all female group I tried out for saying I was in. And then an email from the other team with the cast list on it. I read my name on the list before reading what the beginning even said. I made it. I have never felt so good in my whole life. I was on a team. I was apart of something much bigger than myself. I felt alive. I felt happy, for the first time in weeks. I was more than happy really, I was shocked! I could not believe that I was picked, and I didn’t know what they saw in me but I want to see it too. I am so so happy to be apart of comedy improv here on my campus, I feel so electric constantly when I walk around campus. I want to be seen rather than hid. I never want the feeling I have to go away. I now have eight(plus) friends who I will be spending the whole year with, traveling and laughing. There is nothing more that I have ever wanted. For the first time in my life I want to stay alive. I always had the mindset that my “time” will come when it comes and I might now know when but when it does I should just go with it. This is the first time in my life where I would do anything, fight, scratch, claw my way away from death. I want to be alive so bad, and damn I’m so alive. 

Do it for YOU 

You’re supposed to join clubs in college. There are literally a billion of them so there’s gotta be something that fits your interests. There’s a “nerd” club that I’m already in. Well I show up to it, so as long as that counts as me being “in.” I searched for more clubs that interest me (like curling, but I never went to the first practice, sports are scary), and found ones that are improv comedy teams. 

The only thing I did often and well in life was make people laugh. That is my only talent, if you could call it that. I’m just really pathetic, and the kids these days LOVE pathetic humans (makes them feel better about themselves). I also liked acting, although I’m not that good at it. Nerves always get the best of me, as I am just naturally over-nervous all of the time. But, I wanted to try out for the improv comedy group here at my school. School hasn’t been the best for me, so I thought “I’m at rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up or stay at the same level,” which has, unfortunately, become a comfortable level for me to be at. In other words, I have nothing to lose. So I went to auditions (after running and hiding in a bathroom crying all my make up off and whining to my mom about how nervous I was) and it was okay! If anything, it was a learning experience. I worked with a few really talented girls and they were so impressive and it was pretty cool to be up with them. It was also pretty funny. You’re probably not supposed to laugh in a scene, but I did, I can’t help it, the girls were funny! It was just a cool experience to be in and to learn about. 

After auditions I had a “nerd club” meeting, so I waited around on that side of campus instead of walking all the way back to my dorm before having to come right back. I got an email from one of the teams inviting me to their call back! I’m convinced they made a mistake but whatever, I’m going with it. I made it to “close” and that’s good enough for me.

College is hard, and I’m still scared shitless, but today was ok.  I’m just proud of myself for doing it, and not letting myself down. I do that a lot, Betsy hurts Betsy the most out of everyone else in the world. If anyone’s reading this, do it. Whatever you’ve been thinking about doing, even if your scared or totally out of your element. It’s so scary but the good kind of scary. And you’ll never be more proud of yourself, even if you just get “close.” Just try, do it for yourself. 

What Am I Doing?

I have always been a planner. Going into things all willy-nilly with no plan of action was not my thing. Since the 8th grade I knew I wanted to go to Northern Michigan University. Then I realized how much it snowed up there and I changed my mind. My junior year I visited a university, won’t name which one (because I’m here now), and I LOVED it. The campus was gorgeous, the ammemities were amazing, and it just seemed like the perfect state university. I applied and was accepted, I had it in my mind that this college was my new home. I was so ready and excited to go here. 

Fast forward two years and a couple months and here I am, at said college. It’s still a great university, everything about this college I mentioned above still holds true. I’m just not ready. I thought for years I was ready, I could not stand being in Kalamazoo a moment longer. I told everyone I knew how excited I was to be going here. I told my mom that I’d make a point to try and talk to her at least before I went to bed. Ha! I thought college was going to be the best time of my life, and honestly, it’s one of the most challenging. 

People say the first semester at college is always the worst. I understand what they mean because I am having the worst time of my life. In high school I had a ton of friends, and I made everyone laugh, and, since I’m staying humble, I think everyone liked me. Here I am a fish out of water, I feel so dumb. I know dumb is a horrible word to describe how I feel but that’s the truth. I have talked college up so much and it turns out I’m just not cut out for this. I’m so far from home, I have maybe two friends (or at least people to sometimes get dinner with). 

I have had it in my head for so long that college was going to change my life for the better, and I was so wrong. I have no idea what I’m going to do, and it’s the scariest feeling I’ve ever had. 

On Homesickness in College

Three weeks into my freshman year at college and I am terribly homesick. I hope that I am not the only one who feels this way, I’d really like to meet you if you are. “The first few weeks are always the worst,” is a constant message streamed to my phone, and I just don’t buy it. How long exactly is a “few” weeks. Few by my standards is three, so this should be the last bad week? This time next week I should be having the time of my life according to this logarithm. What if I don’t? What if I’m 12 weeks into the semester and I’m still having the worst time? 

I just feel so bad about not loving college. I am supposed to be the type of girl to love college, like college “woo hoo!” I am so not that girl. It’s the distance, I can literally feel my heart rip a little more for every mile my dad drives me in the car to come back here. Three hours seems so far, and it is so scary. I am not brave enough for this. 

I never thought I would be the type of person to look back on high school and wish I was there; but oh how I do. The familiarity is a comfort I just don’t have here, and I’d love to have that feeling back. I know famous people say it’s never a very good thing to feel “comfortable” with your life, but it’s also pretty scary to feel “uncomfortable.” 

But, like any good person trying to make it by in life, I will be using the old standby technique of “faking it until I make it.” Whether “making it” means making it until the end of the year alive, ready to transfer back home, or making this college my home. A forever falcon they call it. If I could take this whole campus and everyone in it and move it two hours closer to my home I would. It’s a gorgeous place and I’ve met a few great people, the distance is just terrifying. 

This brings me to the moral question I’ve been battling my whole teenage life; what about after college? I always thought “I’m never going to live in Michigan, sorry Ma, send your postcards I’m moving out west!” I’m here now, closer to after-college than I ever have been, and nothing sounds better than living in my parents basement for the rest of my life. There is really nothing wrong with that, if you want to and your parents let you then by all means stay with them, but I always thought I was different. I thought I was full of adventure and drive and “wanderlust.” The only place I want to wander to is back home. 

There is a beautiful four-year university right in my hometown, and a decent community college about 20 minutes away. I wanted to be brave and bold and move away, even if it was just three hours. I thought I was ready. I was not ready. 

I hyped up the university I chose to attend so much that now I feel guilty about not liking it. What would be the response if I came home after only one semester? I’d feel like a joke. I’ve created a trap that I’ve caught myself in

My thoughts probably sound like complaints, I am such a privileged white girl, gross. I am so blessed to have the parents I do, to have helped me get to this college, even when it seemed like it wasn’t going to happen. I am so blessed to even live in a country where girls can go to school. I know my blessings and I know how privileged I am, which makes all of what I feel ten times worse. 

But, I’m just going to fake it until I make it. 

My Cat’s Missing

My one and only love is my kitten, Rue. She just turned two, and she is the center of my world. She’s horrible, sly, and adorable, just like me. 

Last night she popped the screen out of my parent’s bedroom window, and hopped out. She’s an indoor cat, but thinks she can survive in the wild. She was out all night, and still isn’t home, almost 24 hours later. 

I miss her a lot. I just want to snuggle her. She wouldn’t want to snuggle me, but she’d at least lay on the opposite couch and stare at me. She’s a constant presence in my life and I can feel the hole now that she’s gone. 

People in the neighborhood keep spotting her around the neighborhood. Then we go to those locations and call for her but she doesn’t come. Does she want to come home? Is she scared? Can she hear us? 

The love I have for my cat is comparable to the love a mother has for her child. My mom always says those two things aren’t in the same league but I cannot imagine living anything more than I love my little Rue. 

Rue, if you can hear me telepathically, come home. I miss you, and I love you. And there’s a bowl of Meow Mix with your name on it. 

  

Yes, I graduate High School in two days. Is High School supposed to be capitalized? I’m expected to go to college next year and I can’t even capitalize correctly?!

I think it’s finally starting to sink in that I’m not a little baby anymore. I’m still very dependent on my parents, but I think I’m at the age when I’m not supposed to be? That’s terrifying. Anyway, like previously stated, and in the title, I graduate in two days. I will no longer be a Parchment Panther, but a Falcon! I won’t disclose exactly where I’ll be a falcon at, not that anyone is reading this anyway. But just in case I become an overnight success.

I’ll be living on my own, well with a roommate, in a building filled with other young adults, but no “grown ups.” Wait, when do become a “grown up?” When I turn 18? When I graduate high school? I’m not ready for that title.

The one recurring thought I have is that I don’t feel old enough to be going to college. Does everyone feel that way? I look at my friend’s older sister, who is now a junior in college, and I just don’t feel old enough to be on the same level as her. I just don’t feel like we could possibly be in the same school (not that we are, she goes to school in Michigan, I won’t be). And I see other kids the same age as me and they look so much older, and cooler, I just feel like there’s been a mistake. That I accidentally got in the 3rd grade line when I was meant to be in the Kindergarden one. But in two days it’s official. I’m not a stupid high schooler anymore, I’m a stupid college kid.

I don’t know, I’m just a cluster of different emotions right now. My friends and I will drift apart, I’ll get new friends (hopefully), and I’ll be living so far away from my mom! Ugh! Mom!

I just wanted to document my thoughts before I walked across the stage, just to see if I change at all. I think my post-graduation post will be a lot sappier, because I am a sap. Right now I’m just filled with butterflies. Ready to get the “show on the road” as my mother would say. I guess we’ll see how that changes in 48 hours!!

-Betsy